Weariness! Ever been there? Some of these days it seems I am stuck. Stuck in the constant cycle of exhaustion, caused by sleepless nights, busy days, and an under-active thyroid. I begin to wonder. Is motherhood worth the pain? Is it worth the exhausted, sleepless, former shell of myself? Where is the joy in motherhood? I used to think it looked so amazing. Maybe I was living in a fantasy?
Is Motherhood worth it?
When I think of who I was 10 years ago, I would wholeheartedly shout! Absolutely! Being a mom has given me a sense of purpose and fulfillment that I only dreamed of having. I was a very self-centered, self-focused young lady. Depression was a very real thing in my life. Debilitating fear and anxiety ruled me to the point of not being able to get out of bed some days.
What changed?
God was definitely a big part of it.
And, let’s just face the facts. There’s no sleeping in till 9 AM when you have kids. There’s no staying in bed just because you don’t feel like getting up.
But! There is the joy of waking up to sweet little arms around your neck. Wild hair and salty kisses on my cheeks. I love you, Mom, and you’re the bestest Mom ever! From my 3 year old! Baby’s delighted smile and chatter when he spies me coming to fetch him from his crib.
And then there is the joy of seeing them grow from sweet, cuddly, needy, little newborns, to independent toddlers. From toddlers to a 5 year old who can proudly read a book on their own!
But oh, some days it is hard! Settling squabbles, mopping up messes, wiping tears, loads of laundry, piles of dishes. Explaining the same thing over for the 4th time. Mom, Mom, Mom, coming from every corner of the house. Some days I want to laugh, some days I want to cry. Cry because I feel like I can’t do it all and I don’t reach around. Laugh, because Motherhood is what I’ve always wanted.
Do you ever feel like you’re too exhausted to enjoy your children? Maybe it’s just me. And it makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on spending time with them because I am simply too tired. But it seems I do. I say things I regret, because I am too tired. I do things I regret, because I just want a nap. I say no to things they want help with because of sheer exhaustion!
But God IS So Good!
He has given me 3 healthy babies to enjoy! He has given me a wonderful husband and Daddy who does a great job at providing for us! He has changed me and helped me grow. In His word. As a person. As a wife.
He has been so good in not giving up on me. On days when I want to throw up my hands in despair, because I am not who I want to be. Because I see the old me, and I just want to see Jesus shine through. He is patient, and He continues to chip away at the rough edges. He continues to polish and purge! HE IS GOOD!
When I look at where I need to grow as a mother, as a wife, as a deacons wife. I feel overwhelmed and want to despair. But when I look back and see the change He has worked in me, I look forward to what He will still accomplish in my heart. He will finish the work He has begun in me.
So in conclusion… if you know me personally. Please do not be offended that I haven’t been much of a friend. I will get there, some day, hopefully, as the Lord keeps working on me. As I come out of survival mode that I have been in at least part of the time for the past 10 years. As I continue to grow and mature in faith and wisdom.
And again, I say, God is good!
Blessings! As you Serve the King of Kings!
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